A little poetry, just cause

You do the impossible
and I'm so unprepared,
Greet me with a thin smile
and secrets that we shared
You are the prism of my thoughts
and I the mirror of your mind
You shatter my reality
and when I'm dark you're blind
Wrap your legs around me
In your juices drown me
Squeeze me out from under doubt
and run your fingers down me
Your lips are still so kissable
Lies slip from them in pairs
FUCK me, though I lie here crying
Wrapped in your tongue and unaware

One more....

Pass your dirty hands
through the damp, unpolished sky
Scoop a cup of sand
and Wonder how and why
Focus on your life's lament
and share your bitter sacrement
and touch your swollen, bloody tongue
on wings of butterflies

Pour your cup of sand
into your chocolate eyes
Gaze upon your hands
and perfect your alibi
A house of cards that you cement
I am a lifelong resident
Believe that I am not someone
without the will to try

The first moments of a rolling snowball

Today was my first day of training at Olive Garden. They gave us so much stuff. I got a new tie and a wine key and all the other trappings and accessories neccessary for serving there and they didn't charge us for a bit of it. I even got to try three new wines and a whole host of dishes. I think I'm really going to love this job. It was 7 hours of training today but it went by way fast. They have us training like that for the next five days at least before we can even take a single table. Its very intensive but I am certain that from this job I can go to any restaurant in the country as a respected and experienced server. Unfortunately all of this means that I probably won't make the club this week and even if I do I won't be drinking. I have to work way to early for any of that. Oh well. I haven't taken a week off from the club in at least six months. It'll be nice to have a short break and when I go back it will be that much more exciting plus I'll have money every time I go. Money for food. Money for alchohol. Even money for maybe a new outfit every time. Life gets better from here. I never ever ever have to go back home again.

I hate babysitting

We had a very unexpected party last night at my house. Nobody said party or anything like that, but somehow a whole bunch of people showed up with a whole bunch of alchohol. It was a ton of fun but Joel brought this kid that couldn't keep his mouth shut to save his life. He kept almost getting into fights and pissing people off, including me. Joel took off to his room with some girl and since Joel is my roommate, his guests tend to become my responsibility unfortunately. So I babysat. I kept him away from people who he'd pissed off and did my best to keep him from irritating anybody new. He kept hitting on other people's girls, too and when they didn't like that he'd refer to something violent that he'd like to do to them e.g.: I wanna pull your dyke fuckin hair out. I hope when I'm drunk I'm never that obnoxious. Broken people like to show the world just how fucked up in the head they are when they get drunk. I'm glad I'm not really all that broken.

I really wanted to spend time with Julie last night. She came down from Provo to see me and she was dressed up soooo fucking cute. I feel really bad so I bought a bottle of sparkling wine for us to share later tonight. We're supposed to kick it at her place so that should be cool. I haven't actually been in there yet. I like this girl so much right now. Its so sad that I know that won't last very long. I'm going to break her heart and I'm even gonna warn her just like I always do. I really should do my best not to let girls get close to me like this. Most of the time I don't let them but once in a while one comes around that really disarms me for a bit. Never long enough though, just long enough for me to hurt them. I'll try this time. I always try. I wish I didn't like being alone so much.

A new beginning

Yesterday turned out awesome. I went out looking for work around 2. At 3 Olive Garden called me in for a second interview. By 5 I had the job. I start Monday at 330 PM. I can't fucking wait! Okay so there's some good. Here's some more. That really awesome little fashionista chica that I met on Tuesday went to the club with us last night and ended up spending the night at my house because she was too drunk and puking all the way home. We actually had to leave the club early because they kicked us out for her being sick. I did not mind. I only go to Area to drink, dance and meet people and I had already covered those bases to my hearts content on Thursday. We didn't fool around or anything like that. She slept in my bed and I slept on the floor. She stayed here with me all day today. I think I really like her, but as with all things like this, that really remains to be seen. We are hitting it off so well, I am really excited. Now for the (slightly) bad. I made it four days without drinking. Last night I broke my run to celebrate my new job. I wasn't very drunk, but I was drunk enough. It was a nice comfortable non-beligerent drunk. My favorite kind. I'm going to take her home now. She wants me to come hang out tonite. I'm pretty stoked about that.

So far, so good

My sober week is going well. I'm into day four now and I have stayed the course. I cheated just a teeny bit last night and that makes me feel like crap, but it was only one shot and that club was f-ing boring. I ended up leaving early. It was my friend Jessica's birthday and she had her party at Club Manhatten. I've been there a few times and I like the music cause Digga is the DJ but there just isn't anyone there and I'm just not a raver anymore.

I went with Kristy Sue to get her chest piece covered yesterday. It was pretty cool to watch. Its weird to me that in my entire life I've never even seen anyone get a tattoo and now in the last month I've gone with two people to get worked on and I got my own first tat. I think life only deals changes in large amounts. When it rains it pours, as the saying goes. This stuff is just one small example. Funny how I can look around myself and realize that nothing is the same as it was last year and I didn't even really see it happen. That happens to me every year. Anyway, enough silly pondering for now.

Oh yeah! I was just reading my post on Tuesday and the last part said something about finally talking to one of those cute hardcore girls... I did! I was totally sober and it worked so much better than being ridiculously drunk. I had the time of my life Tuesday night! Seriously I don't remember having that much fun at the club in a long time. I think maybe I'm usually too drunk to remember the really fun parts. I can't wait for tonite. I'm gonna do it sober again.

A good day

This day kinda rocked. It wasn't really fun but I got a whole ton of stuff done that I needed to do. I finally made it down to my Gram's finally to do wash. I don't even wanna talk about how long it took me to get around to doing that. I also had to interviews today (Olive Garden and Rusted Sun Pizzeria) and I totally rocked both of them. I'll know in a few days what the outcome of that will be, but for now I'm gonna keep bustin ass lookin for another serving job. I didn't go to Teleperformance yet, but I really don't wanna work there. That will be my last resort if I don't find something by Friday. I also didn't make it to the U today like I planned but thats gonna have to wait until I start working again anyway. 80's night tonight! I love my 80's night! I'm two days into my no alcohol week and I think I'm doing great. I haven't even so much as smelled the stuff. Tonight will be the real test. I think I'll just make it easy on myself and go in on the underage side so I don't get tempted. I can't wait to dance tho!! I wait for this all week. Mmmmm.... Maybe one day I'll get up the guts to talk to one the cute little hardcore chicks that are always there. Man, I wish I was as cool as them...

Blah...

So today is the first day of my one-week no drinking binge. If I can make it that far maybe at the end of it I will see if I can make it a little further. God, it would be nice if I could just quit drinking. Its strange to me that I spent my entire life eating meat three meals a day and I could give that up without even a second thought but I can't quit drinking or smoking and I've only been doing those things for a few years. I chose to start poisoning myself with drugs and alcohol when I was just 14 and since then I've been able to give up drugs for the most part but in reality I didn't give up anything, I just switched poisons. There hasn't been a single day in at least 2 months that I havent had at least something to drink and in the last 3 weeks I've gotten piss drunk nearly every single day. Not a drop today. I won't dissappoint myself this time. Not a drop for a week, not even at the club. Maybe it would be a good idea for me to just go in to the under 21 side of the club for this week until I know I can trust myself.

On a more positive note: I'm going to teleperformance today to get a new job. I've been looking for restaurant work because thats what I've done for three years now but so far its not working out very well. I swore off with telemarketing too, but this is inbound and thats not so bad. I'll keep looking for another serving job, too. I just need something immediate. I'm also going up to the U today or tomorrow to finally start my registration process. Its been four years now that I've been out of school. I could have a degree already if I hadn't fucked around so much. That doesn't matter though. I'm doing it now and I guess thats what counts. I'm just glad I'm still only 21 and I'm not married with children or anything. I still have a chance. I think its a pretty good one too.

Drum Circle!

Ugh... Another day, another hangover. I need to lay off. I'm going to spend a few hours in the sun at the drum circle today. Thats just the medicine I need. Maybe I'll bring my rollerblades, hmmm? I wish more people brought rollerblades so I wouldn't have to do it alone. I forgot last night was daylight savings and so now its an hour later than I want it to be, but thats cool cause now I have an hour more of that sweet sunshine! I hate hippies. The dirty ones anyway. I love the drum circle tho! Well, I'm off to shower and get there! Rawr!